Ironically Humorous Gifts

"There must be a mistake, I'm a tee-total vegan!"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Hammer

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"You are still here."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."