Ironical Fun Gifts

"It might sound silly, but I don't think this job is good for my diet."

"Look! No hands!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"I'll have dessert first."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

"If you ask me, a day at the beach is no damn day at the beach."

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Tycoon on beach listens to "office sounds" on CD player

Equal opportunities inspector "I hear he got his job because he knew someone"

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it's just collecting dust."

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

Ordinarily I'd suggest we'd talk our way out...If only we weren't so God damn tasty!

Excess Baggage: If your vacation plans include 'getting back to nature', but careful what you wish for.

'Waiter. Tonight, we're pulling out all the stops! Get her the steak special and I'll have the pork chops.'

"Apparently 'the vest' is making a comeback..."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'