Ironically Funny Gifts

'Note to self... remove slot machine before next meeting.'

"Y' know, Robert, they say it's unhealthy to bring your work home with you."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Look! No hands!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"You are still here."

The Hammer

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

'Where Are They Now?'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

Anti-inflammation recipes

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

Infection Control Center. Now Hiring. I should have said "I'm not afraid of hard work" rather than "I don't mind getting my hands dirty."

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"I'll have dessert first."

Help! Send fishing tackle!

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"