Ironic Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

'What a day. My girlfriend left me, and my dog died. My only consolation is that it can't get any worse!'

'No, that's my photo above the caption: 'Student most likely to succeed'.'

Independent Financial Advisor.

Any luck finding a new credit source?

'Steroids are for weenies. Back in my day, they played baseball like real men. . . drunk and bloated.'

'We're being offered a two-week vacation on a tropical island.'

"Siri, how do I build a cabin with no freakin' tools?"

"And to think we started as a book club."

"We're pre-approved for a credit card."

'Traitor! I hate you!'

'I just wanted you to know how I really feel about you.'

'I've given up my vegetarian diet - it's just too darn hard to find a vegetarian.'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"On the plus side, there'll be less sewage in the rivers if we can't afford food."

Kid and Three Wives to Support.

Ordinarily I'd suggest we'd talk our way out...If only we weren't so God damn tasty!

'Sometimes I think I like animals better than people.'

"If you ask me, a day at the beach is no damn day at the beach."

Bill. I made the mistake of paying my procrastinators club membership renewal on time --- I was penalized an early fee.

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'