Humorist Irony Gifts

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."