Humorist Who Enjoys Irony Gifts

So I said to them - what do you want, the shirt off my back?

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".