Witty Host Gifts

'Every Hallowe'en barbeque he goes way over the top!'

Bangers and Mash

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Pinata Trophies

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Crow and fox

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

Jokes machine.

The Algonquin Round Table

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

Official Seal

Bat out of Hell

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"So, what is your star sign?"

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

Roller Coasters

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."