Witty Conversationalist Gifts

"Look, maybe you're right, but for the sake of argument let's assume you're wrong and drop it."

The Algonquin Round Table

"Try the fish. It's brain food"

"I got my ticket for three dollars over the Internet. Are you going to eat that salmon?"

"And we're pleased to offer a complimentary glass of Champagne to those single gentlement with incomes over $250000 pa who leave us their telephone numbers."

'My favorite position? Chairperson of the Board.'

'They say you are what you eat, but I've been eating nothing but hot dogs for years and I don't smell like ketchup.'

"It's sweet of you to blame male attitudes, but I like to think I'm neurotic in my own right."

"I'm a know-it-all? Well, tell me something I don't know!"

'Aside from the claustrophobia, ground up meal worms, depression and looking at you pucker your lips all day...life is just peachy!'

Impressive opinions you can pass off as your own (Entertaining at Dinner Parties).

Juvenile Court

"I don't think you can claim that Martin Amis plaguerised your work just because you both used the words 'to','if' and 'but' on page 46."

'Where do you see yourself in five years?' 'I see myself in a world where people don't ask such trite interview questions.'

"I'm less judgmental now that I've failed at everything in life."

'I'm sure he's clever...he's just got nothing clever to say!'

"Let's face it - if your god existed, I'd been struck dead long ago for mocking her."

"Did anything happen on your vacation that I didn't already see on the Internet?"

'I hope you won't consider it name dropping if I mention God.'

'Oh yes, everyone likes him, he's not intelligent enough to make enemies.'

'I've been banned from a singles club.'

Ralph knew how to ruin a Notting Hill wine tasting soirée.

Jokes machine.

Men are like March, they come in like a lion and leave like a lamb.

Airport Literature

'Will you join me in a cup of tea?'

"- And then I get these overwhelming desires to make love to a man in uniform...."

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'And which strata of literary life do you inhabit?'

'My perfume? Actually, it's called 'insect repellent' but at the moment it doesn't seem to be working.'

'If one has no answers, who is the master of the rhetorical question, if not me?'

Do you get your good looks from your mother or your father? My father. He's a plastic surgeon.

"With this two-piece you're guaranteed to score!"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"Must you always be so anthropomorphic?"