Witty Spouse Pillows

'I'll tell you why you never catch cold. There isn't a germ that could live with you.'

'It's bad enough losing to a takeover bid, but when it's your wife who takes over....'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

Call Your Office

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

'Right now he's painting himself in a corner.'

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

"I don't think this is the answer, Harold."

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Roach Motel

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Okay, so I faked it...you happy now?"

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

The last argument - Did not/Did too.

"When you have a minute love, my 'new man' t-shirt needs ironing."

'Have you seen my husband? I left him by the lobster tank a few minutes ago!'

"I'm going out to shovel snow. Here's five dollars if you talk me out of it."

'I forgot my claim ticket, but I had a red blouse, two skirts and a disagreeable husband.'

'Hello, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome Hotline?'

'Hello dear, what are you doing home on halloween? Shouldn't you be out on your broomstick?'

'Your husband tells me you like to spread the word...?'

"This is our lazy Susan. We had her on the dining room table but she was just always in the way. So, we moved her in here."

"I told you I don't want to play tonight!"

Missing Persons@ 'I don't want him back...I just want to know what he's been up to!'