Wife With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

"Spoiler alert – eventually you will die and I get to be a happy single woman."

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Shall we turn the extractor fan down a bit...?'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"I don't think this is the answer, Harold."

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

'Come on. You've been nursing that pint for hours!'

"It's not sediment, it's my late husband's ashes - he always said he wouldn't mind being drunk when he died."

"He complains like a kid over a minor cold. He's such a groan man!"

'It looks like your son hasn't changed his underwear in a year,'

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Hey kids! - look what I found at the local animal shelter!"

'How's my son? He swallowed 50p?'

'It's bad enough losing to a takeover bid, but when it's your wife who takes over....'

"So, the rumors are true. He is faster than a speeding bullet."

'I offered to help with your tie, but oh no, you had to do it yourself...'

"That's a bidet, not a drinking fountain!!"

'So, these three little mice are blind and the farmer's wife comes along and cuts off their tails with a carving knife? Who writes this suff, Stephen King?'

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'