Witty Wordsmiths Gifts

"His schlock has gravitas."

"He got this new circle and now he says he's part of some protection racket."

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

Malcolm Muggeridge

'They're lovely, but I want you to know I never say yes on first negotiations.'

"Yeah. I called you a low-down, yellow-bellied polecat. But I didn't mean to hit send."

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

Clancy: Taking Everything with a Pinch of Salt

Girls with great limbs never worry about their family tree.

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

You're Out Of Order

Spring a Leek

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

Best Seller

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'They call me Portugese Man of War, but I'm really just a jellyfish of love.'

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Mother Goose's Haiku

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.