Witty Wordsmithing Gifts

'No - I've been mis-sold PIP implants.'

Reading my Critics

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

Best Seller

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'They call me Portugese Man of War, but I'm really just a jellyfish of love.'

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Mother Goose's Haiku

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"I love you a bushel and a peck. How else?"

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

A Poet

'He never listened to his mother!'

Shakespeare Ave

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

You trip on it, you buy it.

Sharp Eyes

Writing the poem was easy: there are lots of words rhyming with "snow"...

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.