Humorous Critic Gifts

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"Amateurs."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

Non Thought For The Day.

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

A skip full of fools.

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

Art Critics.

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

'I'm sorry, you just missed him. Call back in from 5 to 10 years.'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

The day that William Tell bought his first crossbow.

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

Now showing - "What's the least noisy film we can chat through?"

Rodin's Irish Judge

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."