Clever Commentators Gifts

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

The national cartoonists' speech-bubble strike enters its 2nd week...

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

People want as much government as they deserve.

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

GPs press for sick note reform

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

"But Miss, Thursday can come before Wednesday - look in any dictionary!"

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'I'm just reaching my sexual innuendo peak.'

Superiority of Cats.

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

How come you never know a famous artist until he's dead?

'When a man and a woman marry they promise to love each other all their lives. Or until the warranty expires.'