The Humorous Critic Pillows

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"Amateurs."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

A skip full of fools.

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

Art Critics.

'I'm sorry, you just missed him. Call back in from 5 to 10 years.'

Now showing - "What's the least noisy film we can chat through?"

The day that William Tell bought his first crossbow.

Rodin's Irish Judge

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

'The Dyslexic Demonologist'