Quippy Commentaries Pillows

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'My dentist recommended it.'

Expressions of mystery.

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Death Watch

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

People want as much government as they deserve.

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

GPs press for sick note reform