Quirky Commentator Pillows

The eulogy was beautiful, although the question-answer period was rather odd.

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

Expressions of mystery.

"It's not surprising I'm gluten intolerant. I'm intolerant of pretty much everything."

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

'I know you want to draw attentin to your blog, but having a wardrobe malfunction won't help.'

'Fly Nightly news'

'I like it.'

'It's what the computer that replaced me came in.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'Well, I don't know much about sport, but I know what I like.'

'So what'll it be, papery plastic or plasticy paper?'

"When I die I want to come back as a beautiful swan. And you?"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,