Quippy Commentaries Prints

He didn't have surgery. He's just ugly.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'My dentist recommended it.'

Expressions of mystery.

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

Do you believe in money at first sight?

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

Death Watch

'I like it.'

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

People want as much government as they deserve.

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

GPs press for sick note reform

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."