Quippy Conversationalist Gifts

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Backfire

PSA Banter.

Why we need poetry. . .

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

Jokes machine.

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"