Quirky Conversationist Gifts

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'Anyway. It's been nice, but I can't stand here chatting all day.'

'Don't look now Muriel. But that Polyphemus guy has been giving you the eye all night.'

Lance, why do all of your burps seem to end in a question mark? Because I like a burp to be a conversation starter. And see? It worked!

I laugh at those who deem it insane when a man talks to himself, Rosencrantz

Sometimes I imagine there's a man behind me, staring at me. That's crazy. Who said that?!?!?!

"She's addicted to televangelists."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"What kind of tea do you want - sleepytime, barkytime or buttsniffytime?"

'One of his spectacles is bigger than the other!'

'Yes, I know I'm wearing dentures, but they're full of cavities.'

'Died of a self-inflicted ear infection. He'd been depressed recently. I should never have let him buy that squirt gun.'

"Remember that time your head fell off?"

'I shall miss our little chats.'

'My advice; forget the elephant in the room - focus on the Quad Demy.'

I've got half a mind to get one.

"When you die, can I have this couch?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Why we need poetry. . .

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

What price beauty?

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."