Quirky Conversationist Pillows

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'Anyway. It's been nice, but I can't stand here chatting all day.'

'Don't look now Muriel. But that Polyphemus guy has been giving you the eye all night.'

"She's addicted to televangelists."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"What kind of tea do you want - sleepytime, barkytime or buttsniffytime?"

'One of his spectacles is bigger than the other!'

'Yes, I know I'm wearing dentures, but they're full of cavities.'

'Died of a self-inflicted ear infection. He'd been depressed recently. I should never have let him buy that squirt gun.'

"Remember that time your head fell off?"

'I shall miss our little chats.'

'My advice; forget the elephant in the room - focus on the Quad Demy.'

I've got half a mind to get one.

"When you die, can I have this couch?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Why we need poetry. . .

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

What price beauty?

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"I find it disturbing when you breathe through your nose."

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"Want to score some flu shots.?"