Quirky Conversationalist Gifts

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

"Why do I have to be talented at something? Why can't I just be talented?"

"It looks like beer could ward off Alzheimer's."

"I've decided to outsource my emotional needs."

"I collect molecules of hydrogen and oxygen. I keep them in this glass of water."

'Have you ever noticed that in cartoons the person on the left always talks first?'

'Apparently some of the additives cause a nerve diorder, but some of the other additives cure it.'

Boys asking a barrister for directions

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I have your school record and I couldn't help noticing that you chewed gum and were tardy and often disruptive in first grade.'

'...Because I enjoy working with people!'

"Apparently this place used to be a swimming pool."

She always knew he had skeletons in the cupboard but the ones in the kitchen came as a shock.

'Let's talk a bit more about your foot fetish.'

'I can talk to animals.'

'I've never seen anything like this...You have seven different personalities and all of them are boring.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'I think it's time we talked about the gorilla in the room.'

"I'm an obsessive compulsive but not necessisarily in that order."

'I used to be dull and boring then, one day, I discovered accountancy.'

"Why is it always science? When I die, I want to donate my body to the arts."

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

Do you realize what people are saying about me? Why do you think I'm here?

"Maybe you need a longer match?"

'I was only saying to the wife last night professor, this Higgs Boson particle business - what do you make of it?'

"Why, oh why, don't you talk back to me, my beautiful little plant...??"

"I find that so rude - the Venus flytrap eating when I'm talking to it."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

Desert Island Business

"Are you aware of how many times you say 'oink' when you talk?"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Other than 'banging supermodels' and 'having a wee' on my grave, where do you see yourself in 5 years."

"But I'm originally from Connecticut."

"You find that surprising, or is it just your pierced eyebrow?"

"That's Jeremy. He never deviates from his prepared text."