Quirky Conversationalist Gifts

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

"Why do I have to be talented at something? Why can't I just be talented?"

"I've decided to outsource my emotional needs."

"It looks like beer could ward off Alzheimer's."

"I collect molecules of hydrogen and oxygen. I keep them in this glass of water."

'Have you ever noticed that in cartoons the person on the left always talks first?'

Boys asking a barrister for directions

'Apparently some of the additives cause a nerve diorder, but some of the other additives cure it.'

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I have your school record and I couldn't help noticing that you chewed gum and were tardy and often disruptive in first grade.'

'...Because I enjoy working with people!'

She always knew he had skeletons in the cupboard but the ones in the kitchen came as a shock.

'I can talk to animals.'

'I've never seen anything like this...You have seven different personalities and all of them are boring.'

'Let's talk a bit more about your foot fetish.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"Maybe you need a longer match?"

Do you realize what people are saying about me? Why do you think I'm here?

'I think it's time we talked about the gorilla in the room.'

"I'm an obsessive compulsive but not necessisarily in that order."

"Why is it always science? When I die, I want to donate my body to the arts."

"I find that so rude - the Venus flytrap eating when I'm talking to it."

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'I was only saying to the wife last night professor, this Higgs Boson particle business - what do you make of it?'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Why, oh why, don't you talk back to me, my beautiful little plant...??"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."

"How about instead of another stupid Monday lunch we go to my place, crank up Terry Gross, and play Twister naked?"

"Sometimes they try to catch you off guard by getting all conversational."

"No, it's my husband that's expired. Is his credit card still good?"

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."

"You find that surprising, or is it just your pierced eyebrow?"

"That's Jeremy. He never deviates from his prepared text."

"You folks like a little something?"