Quizzical Conversationalist Gifts

"It's not that I don't fancy you, Brian, but if I have sex with you, I'll have to eat you, and there goes my diet!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Crow and fox

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

Jokes machine.

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

The Algonquin Round Table

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'