Inquisitive Conversationalist Gifts

Vern takes the cashier's greeting of 'how are you today?' far too literally.

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"Could I ask just one question?"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Who knew we had so many dislikes in common?"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

"Isn't us talking about how I would never take a ballroom dancing class an activity we're doing together?"

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I should warn you that many of John's thoughts are subliminal."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I'm just so relieved! I thought you didn't love me anymore, but now I realize I was just projecting!!"

Attention Span Man

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

Big Talk/Small Talk.

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'