Thoughtful Conversationalist Gifts

'I usually say what I think.'. . .'I usually think what I say.'

"Larry is a white male, but he hasn't been able to do much with it."

Statue of Christopher Columbus

"How are you doing with that advertising copywriter?"

'White is beautiful, too.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"It's only normal, Miriam. I, too, sometimes feel that I must be a Post-Everythingist."

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

Jokes machine.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

The Algonquin Round Table

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

Bat out of Hell

"So, what is your star sign?"

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

'...can you tell me how to blame Obama for all that?'

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"Your free-floating anxiety is floating over to me."

Heart To Heart

"My salad days have all turned to coleslaw..."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, How come there never seems to be any penalty for pundits who turn out to be wrong all the time? - Andy, Los Angeles. Actual reader question. Excellent question. Unfortunately, answering that question would lead to a stock market collapse ... Which would be just the sign of weakness that the Dutch have been looking for. I'll answer you if you really want to wake up to the sound of 500,000 clogs bearing down on you. Ask Sadie questions at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'I don't think you're trying hard enough to look at things from the sinner's perspective, Reverend.'

Prisoner speech

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?