Serious Conversationalist Gifts

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

A lesson in wit

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'