Elite Conversationalist Gifts

"You can't learn the path to financial independence from just ANY infomercial."

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

A lesson in wit

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

Bla Bla Bla

'How are you keeping?'

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"I just wanted you to hear it from me first, before you read it in the sky."

"He looks just the way he did in life."