Affluent Conversationalist Gifts

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

What price beauty?

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"What if I tried again with an English accent?"

'It says, the higher a man's I.Q., the longer he's a virgin... well, bud... here's your Nobel Prize nomination!'

"All the good ones are neutered."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"Does this mean I have to talk to someone I don't know?"

Send. End.

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

You remind me of someone I once pulled from the rubble: Pickup lines for heroes.

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I'm not used to communicating face-to-face. Can we conduct this interview via text?"

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

'It's not you it's me not liking you.'

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

"Do you play?"

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

'How can you possibly be busy washing your hair for the rest of your life???'

'Wow, how tall are you?. . . Let's talk about the eight inches.'

'I'm not writing 'gifts optional' on your birthday party invitation again this year 'cause no one got you a gift.'

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

'You must assert yourself more.'

"I feel I have perspective but mostly because I'm tall."