Affluent Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

What price beauty?

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'It says, the higher a man's I.Q., the longer he's a virgin... well, bud... here's your Nobel Prize nomination!'

"All the good ones are neutered."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"What if I tried again with an English accent?"

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"Does this mean I have to talk to someone I don't know?"

You remind me of someone I once pulled from the rubble: Pickup lines for heroes.

Send. End.

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

"I'm not used to communicating face-to-face. Can we conduct this interview via text?"

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

'It's not you it's me not liking you.'

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady

'Wow, how tall are you?. . . Let's talk about the eight inches.'

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

"Do you play?"

'How can you possibly be busy washing your hair for the rest of your life???'

'I'm not writing 'gifts optional' on your birthday party invitation again this year 'cause no one got you a gift.'

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

'You must assert yourself more.'