Polite Conversationalist Gifts

The Society of Civil Engineers

Confusion over umbrellas

"They say it could get quite warm next week."

PSA Banter.

Why we need poetry. . .

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

Jokes machine.

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

The Algonquin Round Table

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Bat out of Hell

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'