Sophisticated Conversationalist Gifts

"I have a small confession to make - some of them I've only skimmed through."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'It says, the higher a man's I.Q., the longer he's a virgin... well, bud... here's your Nobel Prize nomination!'

"I would've started my novel by now, but I've been to busy suffering!"

"Filling up 10 cars with gas would be crazy expensive!"

"Mother, you were right."

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

"Don't worry mate... We've rung for an economist."

'Whoa, Buddy, I think you've had enough...'

"The hardest thing I've ever done as a homing pigeon was to leave home, but you see, I really wanted to travel and see the world..."

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

The Ly'in Starts Here.

'I usually say what I think.'. . .'I usually think what I say.'

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"Could you tell me where I am? Not geographically - but in an existentialist way."

'Yes that's right I ordered 2 doubles. Why, did you want a drink too?'

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."

'I'm not writing 'gifts optional' on your birthday party invitation again this year 'cause no one got you a gift.'

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

'You must assert yourself more.'

'Of course my income didn't really take off until I left tele-marketing and got into insurance fraud.'