Worldly Conversationalist Gifts

G7 Meeting

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Passengers, as we begin our descent, you may now suddenly act open and friendly to the person beside you."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten