Serious Conversationalist Pillows

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

A lesson in wit

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'