Punny Philosopher Gifts

'Do you like Indian food?' 'I have my reservations!'

Fish in gaol.

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Reverse psychology

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Is there a God? God knows...'

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

Planting vegetables - "BEAN there done that."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"What's it all about?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"It Works For Us."

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'