Funny Philosophers Gifts

'They always call it 'Noah's flood,' like it was my fault or something!'

"For crying out loud, Adam, put this on before you catch a cold."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

Human meat.

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"What's it all about?"

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

"Mind if I tweak it?"

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

Congratulations! The secret to life is a good cardio workout.

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?