Funny Philosophers Gifts

'They always call it 'Noah's flood,' like it was my fault or something!'

"For crying out loud, Adam, put this on before you catch a cold."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

Human meat.

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

"What's it all about?"

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"Mind if I tweak it?"

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

'There are limits to this seriousness, sir!'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"