Humor Philosophers Gifts

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Optimist

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

This will really mess with their minds someday.

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

Human meat.

Seneca

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

'Don't be too hard on sinners. If it weren't for sinning, we'd all be out of work!'

"What's it all about?"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Department de Philosophie

Today's Sermon: Is There Really A Dog?

'There are limits to this seriousness, sir!'

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

"I take it you agree that there can be no meaningful thought without the existence of language."