Philosophical Humorist Gifts

'You know what I'm looking forward to? -- hindsight.'

Optimist

"I take it you agree that there can be no meaningful thought without the existence of language."

The Entrance to Limbo...

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Trees get hollowed out, keel over and die … just like people."

"I really want to transcend my ego, but I'm going to get my teeth whitened first."

I had a very rewarding week. Weird. What? You sound almost happy, satisfied. So strange for someone with such a meaningless, dead-end existence to find amid his personal rubble a nugget of joy. Defeat snatched from the jaws of a vague sense of contentedness. It's almost enough to give me hope.

Every time I try to seize the day, it turns out it knows judo.

I never thought "the meaning of life" would include so many sports metaphors.

'Drink is your enemy.' - 'Love your enemies.'

'He was the greatest guru of us all, and then one day some smart alec asked him if he'd stopped beating his wife.'

'Sure I'm interested in symbolism. Money is a symbol, isn't it?'

Which came first?

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Ethics exam cheater.

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Je suis Descartes, donc, je pense."

Scarcity

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Archimedes statue with a lever

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Zenemies.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Schrödinger and his cat

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"