Philosophical Humorists Gifts

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"Next time you hire a futurist, don't hire a good one."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Ethics exam cheater.

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Je suis Descartes, donc, je pense."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Scarcity

Archimedes statue with a lever

Zenemies.

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Optimist

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Schrödinger and his cat

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

A planet like ours - pub quiz dolphin

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

This will really mess with their minds someday.

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"The problem is you say Nietzsche and expect everything to be just peachy."

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

Auguste Comte

'I, pink, therefore, I ham...'

'Heidegger-Hi!'