Philosopher Of Humor Gifts

'Those monkeys are taking forever to evolve - we need a back-up plan.'

'Blunt women are usually dull.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Scarcity

"Je suis Descartes, donc, je pense."

Archimedes statue with a lever

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Zenemies.

Optimist

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Schrödinger and his cat

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

A planet like ours - pub quiz dolphin

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

This will really mess with their minds someday.

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

"The problem is you say Nietzsche and expect everything to be just peachy."

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

Auguste Comte

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."