Comical Philosopher Gifts

The Graveyard of Deleted Tweets

'Can't you just not believe in God and leave it at that?'

"What's it all about?"

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Zenemies.

Optimist

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

Human meat.

Seneca

'Sometimes I scare myself when I realize that I always was and always will be.'

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Department de Philosophie

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.