Funny Life Philosopher Gifts

Congratulations! The secret to life is a good cardio workout.

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

Zenemies.

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Annual Swim Hundreds of Miles, Spawn and Die Marathon.

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Aging Support Group

'Let the record show that I suggested primordial souffl'ee.'

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'There goes another one. Galileo, don't you have any idea what makes them do that?'

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

Toys from the Pre School of Hard Knocks - Stumbling Blocks.

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."