Witty Philosophers T-Shirts

'My dad always told me, 'love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe'.'

Could you stand seeing a replay of your whole day?

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

At the 2021 Religious Games

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

You're Out Of Order

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Mom's Mortuary

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'I see you've been chasing parked cars again. Wanna talk about it?'

'I had multiple personalities.'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"Oh, I don't mind being called 'Reaper', it's the 'Grim' part that gets me...my name is actually Darryl and I'm a pretty happy guy!"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'