Weight Management Satirist Gifts

'Cheer up, at least it makes you look taller.'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

The Official Covid-19 Diet

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Turns out it was all water weight."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

Doctor's recommend a well balanced diet...

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!