Weight Loss Humorists Gifts

"Turns out it was all water weight."

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

Bench Press Accident

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Still on your left."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Musclesnakes just swallow the dumbbells.

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss