Weight-loss Comedy Fan Gifts

'It won't help.'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

"Today let's work on changing channels, drinking with a mouthful of food, and yelling at the TV all at the same time."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Fast Food Dieter

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Health

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

"Turns out it was all water weight."

Sick Of A Low-Carb Diet

"Well, it's like they say; 230 is the new 180."

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."

'Not that we don't appreciate the popcorn, but how about something low-carb next time?'

"You better not be cheating on our Atkins diet buster!"

"Be it fever or cold, Mr Goldsmith, in your case, I think we should starve them both."

"I can't wait for neolithic to start. I am sick of this paleo diet."

'He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house in. Obviously a non-smoker.'

"That's what happens when you combine lo carb with lo fat fat diets."

Fat Kid.

"Let me guess, you're not into sports, are you?"

'The idea is to make food itself my motive to shape up.'

"I have put on a few pounds, but it's mostly water weight."