Weight-loss Comedy Fan Gifts

'It won't help.'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Fast Food Dieter

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Health

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

Sick Of A Low-Carb Diet

My budgie likes Mars bars.

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

'It's the 'start tomorrow' diet. I've stuck to it religiously for 12 years.'

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

'Not that we don't appreciate the popcorn, but how about something low-carb next time?'

'The idea is to make food itself my motive to shape up.'

"I can't wait for neolithic to start. I am sick of this paleo diet."

Food guide.

"I have put on a few pounds, but it's mostly water weight."

"Let me guess, you're not into sports, are you?"

'He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house in. Obviously a non-smoker.'

"Be it fever or cold, Mr Goldsmith, in your case, I think we should starve them both."

Fat Kid.