Weight-loss Humorist Gifts

"That's what happens when you combine lo carb with lo fat fat diets."

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

Bench Press Accident

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."