Weight-loss Humorist Pillows

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

Bench Press Accident

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

New anti-obesity cookbook.