Dieting Comedian Pillows

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

Fast Food Dieter

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

Low Carbs

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'