Dietary Comedian Pillows

"Not yet, one day I expect there will be chocolate covered statin tablets..."

I don't care if you guys are all on diets, if you keep ordering from the childrens' menu I won't serve you any beer!

"You haven't eaten for three days? I certainly admire your will power!"

Fat man picking up women in supermarket

'How would you like that veggieburger...deep fried in lard, or smothered with bacon bits or salami slices?'

"Are you gluten free?"

"No, obesity doesn't run in my family - it walks."

"I'm trying to eat healthy. Where do you keep the organic donuts?"

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'