Dietary Comedian T-Shirts

"Not yet, one day I expect there will be chocolate covered statin tablets..."

I don't care if you guys are all on diets, if you keep ordering from the childrens' menu I won't serve you any beer!

"You haven't eaten for three days? I certainly admire your will power!"

Fat man picking up women in supermarket

'How would you like that veggieburger...deep fried in lard, or smothered with bacon bits or salami slices?'

"Are you gluten free?"

"No, obesity doesn't run in my family - it walks."

"I'm trying to eat healthy. Where do you keep the organic donuts?"

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Fast Food Dieter

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Well, then - two apples a day."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'